Wow, it has been over 3 years since I have been on here. Children, Marraige, and a fair amount of struggles have kept me away. I could delve into a mile long list of it, but the biggest culprit, is me. I have lost me. Obviously, that sounds cliche and reeks of self pity, but it is the truth. I have spent the last few years dealing with some huge issues both in my marriage and as a parent and it has stripped me of my identity. I spent some time reading through my old posts and it became even more apparent how much I'd actually lost. Admittedly, the previous posts are not my best writing, but they were at least an attempt to articulate what I was going through. They were also disappointing. I wish I had the courage to have written about what I was really going through. What I was really struggling with. Instead they felt fake. I mean, sure, I did feel those things, but they were not what was consuming my entire life, my being, my happiness. I preach on my social media accounts about being real and wanting to let others who are struggling know they are not alone, but at that point in my life, I just couldn't.
In part, that is because of the age old, "what will they think of me?" The other part, is that the stuff that I have been walking through is so personal and could have effects that ripple beyond me. It would affect my husband, my kids, our friends, etc. It feeds the paranoia that developed from being a foster parent and having every move scrutinized (many of us refer to it as the "fish bowl" syndrome). What if someone read my blog and used it against me. Not that anything I do or have been through should or could warrant that, but who said I was being rational? In an age of social media and google, all it takes is a quick search and a screen shot and suddenly I am in the middle of some kind of conflict. A copy and paste could potentially bring my husband back to court for his custody stuff. I've noticed people tend to take things and run instead of conversing with the author about it. It is too easy for a bad day's vent to turn into the next episode of Days of our Lives. So, I avoided it.
Recently, I have started sharing more of my reality, online. I openly discuss the finer points of being a mom, wife, adoptive parent, special needs parent, etc. I advocate for my son and daughter's needs, my health concerns, and many other topics. But, I still can't bring myself to lay it all out there. The fear of repercussion on anyone I love, is too great. I also think about if I did, would I even be able to write it in a way that it would help others instead of being another failed attempt at expression. It isn't limited to writing either. Somewhere amidst all of this, I also stopped doing other things that I loved. The worst, was probably that I stopped singing. I still sing along with the radio or to the kids at night, but not the kind that came from my soul and filled me up.
I considered this today as I opened up the laptop. Desperate to rediscover a hobby that used to be so much a part of me it was like breathing. I was a singer. I was a writer. I was a chef. I was an activist. I wasn't afraid. I wasn't struggling with ptsd. I wasn't afraid of leaving my home. I wasn't lost in my title of mom and wife. I wasn't battling chronic health problems. So, here I am. Hands on the keyboard. Hopeful. I am not entirely sure what I am hoping to accomplish other than rediscovering those parts of me that thrived. To rebuild my identity in a way that I want, not one that has been forced on my by circumstance. Time to get to work
Monday, October 19, 2015
Friday, June 22, 2012
Hi, my name's Alyssa and I'm a...
I have a confession to make. I am a "dooms day prepper." Okay, so not like the one's you see on TV, but Nick and I in the last few years have decided to start learning skills, prepping food supplies, etc. I don't have a crazy stockpile of rice and beans in my storm cellar, but I do try to keep at least 2 months of food in the house. Now that may seem either too much or too little (depends on who ya ask) but my theory is this. Even if the apocolypse (cough cough ZOMBIES) never happens, there are a lot of minor "catastrophes" to be had. The one I fear the most deals with the economy. Who is to say that we have job security and whatnot, so by having a little food put away, I am guaranteed that my family won't starve, at least not for two months.
I am teaching myself how to can. We are gearing up for canning season with all of the farmer's markets opening up here in town. Nick is learning how to preserve meats and fish. We are making plans to become as self sufficient as possible. We also make our own laundry soaps and cleaners. Homesteading would be our ultimate goal. I like the idea of raising my own crops and herds. I like even more the idea of going back to simpler living. I want to raise my kids on a farm. I want them to know the hard work and big pay off that that would provide. I remember feeding the animals before we got on the school bus. It was a pain, but as an adult, those mornings remind me of fun times with my siblings.
Another huge benefit of my prepping and dreams of homesteading is the frugality of it. We have become a society of over spenders, one uppers, and never satisfieders. Yes, I know that is not a word lol. I was reading a book about thrift the other day. They wrote something that has stuck with me. During the great depression, people were thrifty out of sheer necessity. You didn't see people throwing out leftovers, old clothes, etc. If you didn't have the money, you literally went without. It made me think. This week, we had a bbq on father's day and my husband smoked $16 worth of pork butt. Add in the $8 for the wood, it was $24 and it fed several adults and kids on sunday and was repurposed for one meal per day for 5 days following. That is a hell of a stretch. I only threw out the bone and sinnews. It felt good to not waste much. That is the kind of living I want to get back to.
So back to the prepping. I feel like homesteading and prepping almost go hand in hand. If I can grow a garden and can enough to get through the winter or eat in season in addition to canning, doesn't that leave me prepped for anything that could come up? I guess since I don't have the fallout shelter (yet?) and gas masks and such you could call me a wanna be prepper, but my desire to do so is there lol.
I am teaching myself how to can. We are gearing up for canning season with all of the farmer's markets opening up here in town. Nick is learning how to preserve meats and fish. We are making plans to become as self sufficient as possible. We also make our own laundry soaps and cleaners. Homesteading would be our ultimate goal. I like the idea of raising my own crops and herds. I like even more the idea of going back to simpler living. I want to raise my kids on a farm. I want them to know the hard work and big pay off that that would provide. I remember feeding the animals before we got on the school bus. It was a pain, but as an adult, those mornings remind me of fun times with my siblings.
Another huge benefit of my prepping and dreams of homesteading is the frugality of it. We have become a society of over spenders, one uppers, and never satisfieders. Yes, I know that is not a word lol. I was reading a book about thrift the other day. They wrote something that has stuck with me. During the great depression, people were thrifty out of sheer necessity. You didn't see people throwing out leftovers, old clothes, etc. If you didn't have the money, you literally went without. It made me think. This week, we had a bbq on father's day and my husband smoked $16 worth of pork butt. Add in the $8 for the wood, it was $24 and it fed several adults and kids on sunday and was repurposed for one meal per day for 5 days following. That is a hell of a stretch. I only threw out the bone and sinnews. It felt good to not waste much. That is the kind of living I want to get back to.
So back to the prepping. I feel like homesteading and prepping almost go hand in hand. If I can grow a garden and can enough to get through the winter or eat in season in addition to canning, doesn't that leave me prepped for anything that could come up? I guess since I don't have the fallout shelter (yet?) and gas masks and such you could call me a wanna be prepper, but my desire to do so is there lol.
Happy 25th
So, today is the big day. I am 25. Unlike most birthdays, today I woke up feeling different. I am not sure yet what different means, but just different. At 21 (the last big birthday) I had all kinds of ideas about where I was going to be at 25. I was going to be married, have a couple of kids, maybe still be working at the Casino... I was right about so little and wrong about so much.
I did get married, but not to the person I had thought at 21. I did have a couple of kids, one of my own and several foster children. I never knew that having children of my own was going to be an uphill fight. I left the casino and never looked back lol and am now a stay at home mom, fosterparent, and student. Who knew?
I think the funny thing about birthdays is that many of us use to to look back on the shoulda, coulda, woulda. Is there some profound beckoning from the universe to put yourself down that happens to only fall on your day of birth? Is it suppose to create some "Hey as if aging isn't bad enough, let's recap all the things you've failed to accomplish," guilt? It must because every year on my birthday I stop and think man, I should have been done with this by now. I get to questioning if I hadn't done this I could've doen that. You follow me?
It is today on my birthday that I think that I am fed up with it. Instead of what haven't I done or accomplished I made a list of things that I did do. Here it goes.
1)I got married. I didn't just get married, I married my best friend. Yes, there are days I want to kill him and he wants to kill me, but at the end of the night we love each other. Our idea of marriage is old fashioned and we firmly believe that we can work through anything and that Divorce is never an option. It makes murder seem plausible (just kidding honey), but really it is one of the healthiest relationships I've ever had with anyone, inclduing family. That's how it should be.
2) I became a mom. Now this one is a doosey! I was told that I would never have children of my own. And for two years, that was the case. Nick and I had kind of come to terms with it and decided to keep trying while concurrently applying to become licensed foster parents in hopes of adoption. We went through the fertility treatments and the fostercare interviews and homestudy. On Oct. 15 we became fosterparents and on oct. 16th we had our first fosterkids. I was a mom. I know that that sounds so cheesy, but it was just like if we had brought home a baby of our own. Here were these little boys who didn't know us from adam and stil fully trusted us to take care of them. I remember looking at Nick and thinking, here we go. It was hard, it was scary, but in the end...it was ok. It was very similar to when we brought home our son. We had never had one that little and had no idea what we were suppose to do. At some point, instinct just takes over and you find yourself doing things you wouldn't have guessed that you knew how to do. On both days my world shifted a little.
3) I moved away from home. This one is incredibly odd to me because it was never on my list of things to do. I never had any desire to move away from small town life. I loved where I was at. I didn't always like the people, but I loved being with my family and living in a little town. I was afraid of the big city. Well, Nick enlisted after we got married and changed all that. A week shy of Christmas, we packed everything we owned and drove to Ft. Carson Colorado. It was one of the most adventerous and scary things I have ever done. I can honestly say now, that it is one of the best thigns I have ever done. It has motivated me to learn not just how to live on my own, but also how to appreciate smalltown life without dealing with the smalltown drama. I've learned who my real friends are and how to make new ones. It had pushed me to grow as a person and to depend more on my husband.
4)I went back to school. I never finished college. I have sat here for several years now regretting that. Feeling guilty as I watched many of my friends from high school move on with a degree and a promising career. I would kick myself for ever dropping out. I am currently schedualed to finish my technical training in March. I didn't go back to a university, but I did choose a vocation and started training. That may not seem like a lot to some, but for me it was huge. I am learnign a lot and it gives me hope to eventually go back and finish my degree someday.
Now I know that this seems like an awful short list, I assure you had I written the other list it would have been much longer, but these are the four I am the most proud of. These are the four that in the last 4 years have completely marked me as the person that I am and put me one step closer to being the person I want to be.
I did get married, but not to the person I had thought at 21. I did have a couple of kids, one of my own and several foster children. I never knew that having children of my own was going to be an uphill fight. I left the casino and never looked back lol and am now a stay at home mom, fosterparent, and student. Who knew?
I think the funny thing about birthdays is that many of us use to to look back on the shoulda, coulda, woulda. Is there some profound beckoning from the universe to put yourself down that happens to only fall on your day of birth? Is it suppose to create some "Hey as if aging isn't bad enough, let's recap all the things you've failed to accomplish," guilt? It must because every year on my birthday I stop and think man, I should have been done with this by now. I get to questioning if I hadn't done this I could've doen that. You follow me?
It is today on my birthday that I think that I am fed up with it. Instead of what haven't I done or accomplished I made a list of things that I did do. Here it goes.
1)I got married. I didn't just get married, I married my best friend. Yes, there are days I want to kill him and he wants to kill me, but at the end of the night we love each other. Our idea of marriage is old fashioned and we firmly believe that we can work through anything and that Divorce is never an option. It makes murder seem plausible (just kidding honey), but really it is one of the healthiest relationships I've ever had with anyone, inclduing family. That's how it should be.
2) I became a mom. Now this one is a doosey! I was told that I would never have children of my own. And for two years, that was the case. Nick and I had kind of come to terms with it and decided to keep trying while concurrently applying to become licensed foster parents in hopes of adoption. We went through the fertility treatments and the fostercare interviews and homestudy. On Oct. 15 we became fosterparents and on oct. 16th we had our first fosterkids. I was a mom. I know that that sounds so cheesy, but it was just like if we had brought home a baby of our own. Here were these little boys who didn't know us from adam and stil fully trusted us to take care of them. I remember looking at Nick and thinking, here we go. It was hard, it was scary, but in the end...it was ok. It was very similar to when we brought home our son. We had never had one that little and had no idea what we were suppose to do. At some point, instinct just takes over and you find yourself doing things you wouldn't have guessed that you knew how to do. On both days my world shifted a little.
3) I moved away from home. This one is incredibly odd to me because it was never on my list of things to do. I never had any desire to move away from small town life. I loved where I was at. I didn't always like the people, but I loved being with my family and living in a little town. I was afraid of the big city. Well, Nick enlisted after we got married and changed all that. A week shy of Christmas, we packed everything we owned and drove to Ft. Carson Colorado. It was one of the most adventerous and scary things I have ever done. I can honestly say now, that it is one of the best thigns I have ever done. It has motivated me to learn not just how to live on my own, but also how to appreciate smalltown life without dealing with the smalltown drama. I've learned who my real friends are and how to make new ones. It had pushed me to grow as a person and to depend more on my husband.
4)I went back to school. I never finished college. I have sat here for several years now regretting that. Feeling guilty as I watched many of my friends from high school move on with a degree and a promising career. I would kick myself for ever dropping out. I am currently schedualed to finish my technical training in March. I didn't go back to a university, but I did choose a vocation and started training. That may not seem like a lot to some, but for me it was huge. I am learnign a lot and it gives me hope to eventually go back and finish my degree someday.
Now I know that this seems like an awful short list, I assure you had I written the other list it would have been much longer, but these are the four I am the most proud of. These are the four that in the last 4 years have completely marked me as the person that I am and put me one step closer to being the person I want to be.
Easier said than done
So, most people would not like to think or talk about problems in their marriage. I am one of those people. After a long periodof contemplation, I have decided to blog about it, but in a not so throw-your-business-out-there kind of way. At least for now. Let me also say, that this is in no way an attempt to bash anyone elses marriage, choice to move on, my husband, family, etc. It is just a place for me to throw some thoughts out.
I have been cheated on. Not just once, but multiple times by multiple people. Even in my marriage, there have been a few bumps in the fidelity road. I look back at all the people and times I have been cheated on, and it leaves me feeling...self loathing. I play the what if game like a champ. What if I had been thinner? What if I had been more laid back? What if I had been good enough? What if I had been prettier? See what I mean? I am good at it.
My husband and I have been in both couple's and individual therapy for a couple months now and I can honestly say that it is helping. I am learning that it is not my shortcomings, but his that lead him to stray. I love my husband, but that does not make staying easier. It almost makes it harder. If I didn't love him, I could walk away without looking back. But, he was and is remorseful. It is a daily fight to not punch him in the face lol. Not to sound cliche, but we are better now than we have ever been. It isn't because counseling has resolved all of our problems, but it has given us the tools to work on us.
It is a rough ride. There are days I still struggle, but I am learning in personal therapy that I have more control than I thought. I am learning how to spend time on me and my marriage and not just focus on my husband and my kids. I am a firm believer in order to create a happy family (i.e. the kids) I need to be working on a happy marriage. So, that is what we are doing. Together.
A good friend, more like a sister, introduced me to a new church. I made my first visit last week and it was like God himself had written the sermon for my husband and I. I sat there in tears knowing that God had found me in the right time and the right place. So, I submitted. I submitted to do the things that didn't feel safe or easy. I chose long ago to forgive my husband, but now I am working on loving and forgiving myself. How do you start loving yourself? What is there to love about me? This isn't some fishing trip or compliments. It is a question I have been challenged to think about this week. Let me tell ya, I couldn't come up with an answer.
A few months ago at a Foster Parent class. We listened to a woman speak about words of affirmaion. I had heard about this in reference to romantic relationships and even familial relationships, but I had never thought about it in regards to oneself. She said it is important to undo the nuero pathways that have been developed by years of self loathing and from words spoken by others. I am starting a project with my family to write down a new affirmation each week. Every night before bed we are going to take a few minutes to ourselves and read this list several times in the mirror. The affirmations can be something as simple as "I am a good cook." It may not sound like much, but eventually you may end up saying things like "I am worth loving." Pretty neat idea huh?
While for months and months I have only found anger and pain in the events that happened. I for once may see some good, the sliver lining if you will. This journey in healing has forced me to really take a good look at myself and begin loving myself again. If nothing else, I will come out of this whole situation with a healthier heart and soul. Something, I didn't have when my adult life started.
So I challenge you, what do you love about yourself? What makes you get out of bed in the morning? What makes you feel safe? What doesn't? Evaluate the things that make you happy and the things that don't. Life, I am learning, is way too short to spend it in fear and sadness. I hope that oneday, I can learn to practice what I preach lol.
I have been cheated on. Not just once, but multiple times by multiple people. Even in my marriage, there have been a few bumps in the fidelity road. I look back at all the people and times I have been cheated on, and it leaves me feeling...self loathing. I play the what if game like a champ. What if I had been thinner? What if I had been more laid back? What if I had been good enough? What if I had been prettier? See what I mean? I am good at it.
My husband and I have been in both couple's and individual therapy for a couple months now and I can honestly say that it is helping. I am learning that it is not my shortcomings, but his that lead him to stray. I love my husband, but that does not make staying easier. It almost makes it harder. If I didn't love him, I could walk away without looking back. But, he was and is remorseful. It is a daily fight to not punch him in the face lol. Not to sound cliche, but we are better now than we have ever been. It isn't because counseling has resolved all of our problems, but it has given us the tools to work on us.
It is a rough ride. There are days I still struggle, but I am learning in personal therapy that I have more control than I thought. I am learning how to spend time on me and my marriage and not just focus on my husband and my kids. I am a firm believer in order to create a happy family (i.e. the kids) I need to be working on a happy marriage. So, that is what we are doing. Together.
A good friend, more like a sister, introduced me to a new church. I made my first visit last week and it was like God himself had written the sermon for my husband and I. I sat there in tears knowing that God had found me in the right time and the right place. So, I submitted. I submitted to do the things that didn't feel safe or easy. I chose long ago to forgive my husband, but now I am working on loving and forgiving myself. How do you start loving yourself? What is there to love about me? This isn't some fishing trip or compliments. It is a question I have been challenged to think about this week. Let me tell ya, I couldn't come up with an answer.
A few months ago at a Foster Parent class. We listened to a woman speak about words of affirmaion. I had heard about this in reference to romantic relationships and even familial relationships, but I had never thought about it in regards to oneself. She said it is important to undo the nuero pathways that have been developed by years of self loathing and from words spoken by others. I am starting a project with my family to write down a new affirmation each week. Every night before bed we are going to take a few minutes to ourselves and read this list several times in the mirror. The affirmations can be something as simple as "I am a good cook." It may not sound like much, but eventually you may end up saying things like "I am worth loving." Pretty neat idea huh?
While for months and months I have only found anger and pain in the events that happened. I for once may see some good, the sliver lining if you will. This journey in healing has forced me to really take a good look at myself and begin loving myself again. If nothing else, I will come out of this whole situation with a healthier heart and soul. Something, I didn't have when my adult life started.
So I challenge you, what do you love about yourself? What makes you get out of bed in the morning? What makes you feel safe? What doesn't? Evaluate the things that make you happy and the things that don't. Life, I am learning, is way too short to spend it in fear and sadness. I hope that oneday, I can learn to practice what I preach lol.
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
The F word
Shapely, Voluptuous, Curvy, Heavy, Big boned...call it what you want, but don't call me fat. I don't know why I don't take offense to any of the other euphemisms, but the "F word" just ruins my day. I know that there are people out there who would read this and say do something about it. They, sadly, are right. I could and should do more, but excuses are easier. I know that even if I am eating healthy, I have to be working out to really lose the weight.
I have battled my weight my whole life. Bad eating habits, lots of hours at work, alcohol, you name it I had that problem. Also, I am fighting a hormone imbalance due to my PCOS that is a royal you know what. It not only makes me crave sweets (I am not normally a sweet tooth) but also makes it harder to lose weight. Before I had my son, I was doing 5 miles a day a few times a week on a machine and I still was gaining weight. Sick JOKE!
I got pregnant and was deathly afraid I was going to put on more weight that I would have to fight to get off. I ate fairly healthy and when I did have cravings, I indulged, but it was in moderation. I ended up going into labor -1 lb. from my pre-pregnancy weight. By the time I was 3 months post partum, I was down a total of 30 lbs from my pre baby weight. I felt like for once, I was achieving the kind of weight loss I wanted. Then....the holidays hit!
Between the holidays, vacation, and my hormones going back out of whack (they regulated while I was pregnant, weird I know) I gained back all but 11 lbs of that. So, as most of Americans did, I resolved my self in the new year to lose weight. We bought the healthy groceries, I started working out again, I limited my liquid calories to water and ice tea. We started once we returned from vacation and in about 10 days I have lost 10 lbs.
So, now onto the bigger problem. I still have cravings, I still want to have that crap food. Nick and I have come up with a fairly different solution that most. We plan one day a week that we don't worry about what we eat. That doesn't give us permission to gorge ourselves. Last Friday we had pizza for dinner since we had a housefull of extra kids. We each had a couple of slices, but did not eat it the way we would have a month ago. We had a chai from Starbucks and didn't worry about the liquid (evil) calories.
I think that this plan allows us to do a few things. It allows us to fulfill those cravings without doing it daily. We think about what we would like and plan to have it that special day. It motivates us to stay on track and work towards the "prize." It also helps balance out our daily calorie intake so for example since I knew that I was going to have pizza that night, I chose to have a big salad for lunch that day.
I think a lot of times people, myself included, jump into weight loss and give up everything and work out everyday. Then, they burn out a month later. I am realistic. Above, I mentioned my resolution was to lose weight, but I realize now it needs to be to get healthy. If I can get healthy, the weight loss will eventually follow. A good friend said something to me last week and it has really stuck with me. She said to make one change at a time. So for example, the last two weeks it has been about eating better. Maybe this next week it will be to park at the back of the parking lot instead of circling for the closest spot to the store. Maybe I will do jumping jacks during commercials when I watch TV in the afternoons. Maybe, I will add one more workout a week. I think her point was, if you try to do it all at once, you can't win. Sure, you might lose a ton of weight right out of the gate, but eventually you burn out and go back to bad habits. Maybe, just maybe if the change is gradual, the changes will be lifetime.
I am ok with being curvy, but, I will never be ok with being the F word. The first step to that is to quit thinking of myself as that and then to make gradual changes to make sure no one else has a reason to make me feel that way either.
I have battled my weight my whole life. Bad eating habits, lots of hours at work, alcohol, you name it I had that problem. Also, I am fighting a hormone imbalance due to my PCOS that is a royal you know what. It not only makes me crave sweets (I am not normally a sweet tooth) but also makes it harder to lose weight. Before I had my son, I was doing 5 miles a day a few times a week on a machine and I still was gaining weight. Sick JOKE!
I got pregnant and was deathly afraid I was going to put on more weight that I would have to fight to get off. I ate fairly healthy and when I did have cravings, I indulged, but it was in moderation. I ended up going into labor -1 lb. from my pre-pregnancy weight. By the time I was 3 months post partum, I was down a total of 30 lbs from my pre baby weight. I felt like for once, I was achieving the kind of weight loss I wanted. Then....the holidays hit!
Between the holidays, vacation, and my hormones going back out of whack (they regulated while I was pregnant, weird I know) I gained back all but 11 lbs of that. So, as most of Americans did, I resolved my self in the new year to lose weight. We bought the healthy groceries, I started working out again, I limited my liquid calories to water and ice tea. We started once we returned from vacation and in about 10 days I have lost 10 lbs.
So, now onto the bigger problem. I still have cravings, I still want to have that crap food. Nick and I have come up with a fairly different solution that most. We plan one day a week that we don't worry about what we eat. That doesn't give us permission to gorge ourselves. Last Friday we had pizza for dinner since we had a housefull of extra kids. We each had a couple of slices, but did not eat it the way we would have a month ago. We had a chai from Starbucks and didn't worry about the liquid (evil) calories.
I think that this plan allows us to do a few things. It allows us to fulfill those cravings without doing it daily. We think about what we would like and plan to have it that special day. It motivates us to stay on track and work towards the "prize." It also helps balance out our daily calorie intake so for example since I knew that I was going to have pizza that night, I chose to have a big salad for lunch that day.
I think a lot of times people, myself included, jump into weight loss and give up everything and work out everyday. Then, they burn out a month later. I am realistic. Above, I mentioned my resolution was to lose weight, but I realize now it needs to be to get healthy. If I can get healthy, the weight loss will eventually follow. A good friend said something to me last week and it has really stuck with me. She said to make one change at a time. So for example, the last two weeks it has been about eating better. Maybe this next week it will be to park at the back of the parking lot instead of circling for the closest spot to the store. Maybe I will do jumping jacks during commercials when I watch TV in the afternoons. Maybe, I will add one more workout a week. I think her point was, if you try to do it all at once, you can't win. Sure, you might lose a ton of weight right out of the gate, but eventually you burn out and go back to bad habits. Maybe, just maybe if the change is gradual, the changes will be lifetime.
I am ok with being curvy, but, I will never be ok with being the F word. The first step to that is to quit thinking of myself as that and then to make gradual changes to make sure no one else has a reason to make me feel that way either.
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Bullies are Emotional Terrorists
I have so much to say on this topic that I could probably write a book...but I won't. I have noticed the ever-growing trend (at least in my life) is not related to my kids, but to my peers! Holy Hormones Batman, but I have decided that women are the biggest bullies I know. In the last couple of years I have been picked on for thing such as my weight, my hair, my marriage, you name it. I was more shocked when I was bashed for who I hung out with, my parenting CHOICES, my closeness with my family back home, etc. It is ridiculous. I will put this out there right now. I have judged people, it is human nature and like a friend mentioned in her own blog (thanks Vanessa) judging isn't the problem, it is condemning. I will not condmen someone for their lifestyle choices, parenting beliefs, and what have you unless it is something like beating their children, drug use, the common no nos. It isn't my place to say that one thing is right or wrong.
I think the thing that I am the most sick of is the group bullying dynamic. Oh so and so doens't think that Alyssa should spend SOOOOOOO much time with her husband. It is shortly following a statement like this that you start to hear the echoes. You hear many voices jumping in. "Oh I know, I swear they are co-dependant." "Does she ever even do anything without him?" "He must feel so tied down..." Did you catch that? They start out faint at first, a few grumbles of agreement, but then they turn into huge vibrant declarations of "fact". Everyone seems to know your marriage better than you do. It would be one thing if these "insights" were asked for in some way, but the reality is many times it is just rumors being swept around until they finally land in your lap, presented as the "truth". Here is thing. They are not facts. They aren't even remotely true. And the bigger truth is, THEY HURT! Now I know in today's society it isn't about who gets hurt. We have all become so ME ME ME oriented that no one cares how words hurt other people's feelings. I hate that. I hate that we have stopped caring about hurting people's feelings. I don't mean stupid things like a lot of the "pc" stuff is, but genuinely not caring that calling someone fat, ugly, stupid...really hurts.
I am the most hurt by the lack of words. In a situation like the example above, I expected that kind of behavior from the people doing the talking, it was the one's I considered real friends that didn't defend me that surprised the hell out of me. And, that hurts worse. I don't have many close friends, but the real ones, I defend like they were my family. Right or wrong, I have their back. Kind of like my husband. He can be all kinds of wrong, but that is between me and him. You come after him, I will take his side. That's how it is suppose to be. These friends, the silent ones, pretty much slap you in the face with their inability to declare their loyalty for fear of getting brought into the shit storm themselves.
Now I have to admit, that recently I am that person. I am that friend who despite my longing to stand up and slay the bullies with my tongue, sits in the corner not saying anything. I hate it. Realizing my lapse in defense, I have been more vocal in and I will tell you what, the bullies don't like it too much. A recent conversatoin went something like this..."I don't like so and so. I think it's because she acts better than everyone." Normally this is where I would change the subject, but this time I replied quickly with, "Really? You must not have taken the time to get to know her very well. I think sometimes her quietness is mistaken for arrogance. You ought to give her a chance before you write her off." I had done it, I had defended my friend and was victorious! I was victorious right? Wrong. The response I got was this, "No, she's just stupid." FAIL. EPIC FAIL.
And this is where I must educate you on what exactly bullies look like. They are most often women who live in a pack mentality. They almost always have a leader, who wreaks of self esteem issues, and a bunch of cronies in tow. Here's the thing, they are almost always disguised as your friends. It is very difficult to tell if they are friend or foe. They look the same, smell the same, hell they even act the same. The only way to really tell is to find out what happens when you aren't around. I can almost guarantee that if they are so willing to pick on, call out, or make fun of someone else when they aren't around to defend themselves, they will do it when you aren't around too.
We've established the problem, but what, my friends, is the solution? Is it to call out all of these people and make them eat their words? Is it telling others what is being said about them? Is it standing up and defending the victims. I don't think it is any of these. Women like this, will more than likely, always be like this. The solution is to fix yourself. My mom used to tell me you can't change people, only your reaction to them. It makes perfect sense. If I can get to a point where I am not continuing the cycle and instead don't give them the gratification of getting to me. Maybe just maybe they will leave it be. Quoting another friend, "Stop giving a shit about what others think, do, say...it feels wonderful." While it is not in my nature to do that, maybe it should be. So instead of letting the people that don't matter get in my head, I am going to focus on me, my kids, and my codependant husband lol. I'll let ya know how that works out.
I think the thing that I am the most sick of is the group bullying dynamic. Oh so and so doens't think that Alyssa should spend SOOOOOOO much time with her husband. It is shortly following a statement like this that you start to hear the echoes. You hear many voices jumping in. "Oh I know, I swear they are co-dependant." "Does she ever even do anything without him?" "He must feel so tied down..." Did you catch that? They start out faint at first, a few grumbles of agreement, but then they turn into huge vibrant declarations of "fact". Everyone seems to know your marriage better than you do. It would be one thing if these "insights" were asked for in some way, but the reality is many times it is just rumors being swept around until they finally land in your lap, presented as the "truth". Here is thing. They are not facts. They aren't even remotely true. And the bigger truth is, THEY HURT! Now I know in today's society it isn't about who gets hurt. We have all become so ME ME ME oriented that no one cares how words hurt other people's feelings. I hate that. I hate that we have stopped caring about hurting people's feelings. I don't mean stupid things like a lot of the "pc" stuff is, but genuinely not caring that calling someone fat, ugly, stupid...really hurts.
I am the most hurt by the lack of words. In a situation like the example above, I expected that kind of behavior from the people doing the talking, it was the one's I considered real friends that didn't defend me that surprised the hell out of me. And, that hurts worse. I don't have many close friends, but the real ones, I defend like they were my family. Right or wrong, I have their back. Kind of like my husband. He can be all kinds of wrong, but that is between me and him. You come after him, I will take his side. That's how it is suppose to be. These friends, the silent ones, pretty much slap you in the face with their inability to declare their loyalty for fear of getting brought into the shit storm themselves.
Now I have to admit, that recently I am that person. I am that friend who despite my longing to stand up and slay the bullies with my tongue, sits in the corner not saying anything. I hate it. Realizing my lapse in defense, I have been more vocal in and I will tell you what, the bullies don't like it too much. A recent conversatoin went something like this..."I don't like so and so. I think it's because she acts better than everyone." Normally this is where I would change the subject, but this time I replied quickly with, "Really? You must not have taken the time to get to know her very well. I think sometimes her quietness is mistaken for arrogance. You ought to give her a chance before you write her off." I had done it, I had defended my friend and was victorious! I was victorious right? Wrong. The response I got was this, "No, she's just stupid." FAIL. EPIC FAIL.
And this is where I must educate you on what exactly bullies look like. They are most often women who live in a pack mentality. They almost always have a leader, who wreaks of self esteem issues, and a bunch of cronies in tow. Here's the thing, they are almost always disguised as your friends. It is very difficult to tell if they are friend or foe. They look the same, smell the same, hell they even act the same. The only way to really tell is to find out what happens when you aren't around. I can almost guarantee that if they are so willing to pick on, call out, or make fun of someone else when they aren't around to defend themselves, they will do it when you aren't around too.
We've established the problem, but what, my friends, is the solution? Is it to call out all of these people and make them eat their words? Is it telling others what is being said about them? Is it standing up and defending the victims. I don't think it is any of these. Women like this, will more than likely, always be like this. The solution is to fix yourself. My mom used to tell me you can't change people, only your reaction to them. It makes perfect sense. If I can get to a point where I am not continuing the cycle and instead don't give them the gratification of getting to me. Maybe just maybe they will leave it be. Quoting another friend, "Stop giving a shit about what others think, do, say...it feels wonderful." While it is not in my nature to do that, maybe it should be. So instead of letting the people that don't matter get in my head, I am going to focus on me, my kids, and my codependant husband lol. I'll let ya know how that works out.
Friday, November 25, 2011
When nothing gets the best of you.
I haven't written in a long time. I have tried, but obviously my attempts have been less than successful. I dunno, I guess I just felt like everything I was writing was subpar. Like there is some kind of unwritten criteria to be met on one's personal blog. I felt like I needed to be funny, smart, witty, etc. to keep this blog going. Today as I sat watching B rated shark movies (I'll get to that later), I decided that this is more for me than for anyone else. Considering that most of my days are spent having a conversation with either a 6, 3 or <1 year old...let's just say sometimes I need to get this thoughts out of my head. Don't get me wrong, my husband is home most nights to talk to, but by the end of the day I am practically attacking him with adult conversation the minute he walks in the door. Perhaps, this blog is a way for me to expell some of my word vomit before he comes home, sparing him the rivoting conversations about our 3 year old pooping on the potty.
So, back to the B rated shark movies...
I am an open fan of B rated shark movies. Jaws was like the creme de la creme of shark cinema, but there is nothing better than a cheesy, poorly acted, overly dramatic tale of love and shark attacks. I was estatic when I discovered such a wide variety of deliciously lame titles on Netflix. I started having issues with my anxiety a few hrs ago and thought Shark Attack 2 would put me in a better mood. Normally I would be enthralled by the inadequately made film, but today I could not shake that feeling of BLAH! You know, that feeling where basically you feel like laying on the couch for a month would be the most productive thing you're capable of. The feeling of everyone you know having productive, amazing, fun lives to live while you are sucked into the black hole of self pity. Yeah...that one. It was during this time that I decided I needed to vent. So here we are.
Recently I have become somewhat of an outsider to my own life. I show up, I participate, but I'm not always mentally active in the events. I have this nasty habit of taking things way too personally and I think it has gotten the best of me lately. I have friends out here, I do. I just used to have a lot more. I am a quality vs. quantity type of girl so it shouldn't really bother me, but it does. I feel like the kid that gets picked last for the team. I am more of a friend of convenience than desire. I am the friend that will watch the kids last minute when someone needs a sitter, despite how inconvenient it makes my life, I am the friend that will bite her tongue when she is told something that hurts her feelings. Yes, I am that friend. I'd like to think that my husband has rubbed off on me a bit, meaning that I could take all of it with a grain of salt, but instead, I take it personally.
This is when I thank the stars above that I am a homebody. If I was the going out type, I think I would spend my days crying over a box of tissues and a stack of candy bars. I love being at home with my family and hanging out. I get more joy from trying out a new recipe than I do an evening of getting wasted. I am not one to complain about my life, I am lucky to live it and have ridden the life-is-too-short-bus one too many times. I just wish that I could take a step back and reevaluate my relationships and weed out the unhealthy ones without feeling guilty.
My goal is to continue writing on here as much as I can, maybe a little self reflection is just what I need to start the weeding out process. And while this has been random, it is hopefully the beginning to getting back to me and somehow fusing together the old and new me. I will go back to my Shark marathon, this time maybe I can draw metaphorical lines between the finicky storyline and my current situation lol.
So, back to the B rated shark movies...
I am an open fan of B rated shark movies. Jaws was like the creme de la creme of shark cinema, but there is nothing better than a cheesy, poorly acted, overly dramatic tale of love and shark attacks. I was estatic when I discovered such a wide variety of deliciously lame titles on Netflix. I started having issues with my anxiety a few hrs ago and thought Shark Attack 2 would put me in a better mood. Normally I would be enthralled by the inadequately made film, but today I could not shake that feeling of BLAH! You know, that feeling where basically you feel like laying on the couch for a month would be the most productive thing you're capable of. The feeling of everyone you know having productive, amazing, fun lives to live while you are sucked into the black hole of self pity. Yeah...that one. It was during this time that I decided I needed to vent. So here we are.
Recently I have become somewhat of an outsider to my own life. I show up, I participate, but I'm not always mentally active in the events. I have this nasty habit of taking things way too personally and I think it has gotten the best of me lately. I have friends out here, I do. I just used to have a lot more. I am a quality vs. quantity type of girl so it shouldn't really bother me, but it does. I feel like the kid that gets picked last for the team. I am more of a friend of convenience than desire. I am the friend that will watch the kids last minute when someone needs a sitter, despite how inconvenient it makes my life, I am the friend that will bite her tongue when she is told something that hurts her feelings. Yes, I am that friend. I'd like to think that my husband has rubbed off on me a bit, meaning that I could take all of it with a grain of salt, but instead, I take it personally.
This is when I thank the stars above that I am a homebody. If I was the going out type, I think I would spend my days crying over a box of tissues and a stack of candy bars. I love being at home with my family and hanging out. I get more joy from trying out a new recipe than I do an evening of getting wasted. I am not one to complain about my life, I am lucky to live it and have ridden the life-is-too-short-bus one too many times. I just wish that I could take a step back and reevaluate my relationships and weed out the unhealthy ones without feeling guilty.
My goal is to continue writing on here as much as I can, maybe a little self reflection is just what I need to start the weeding out process. And while this has been random, it is hopefully the beginning to getting back to me and somehow fusing together the old and new me. I will go back to my Shark marathon, this time maybe I can draw metaphorical lines between the finicky storyline and my current situation lol.
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