Bullies are Emotional Terrorists

I have so much to say on this topic that I could probably write a book...but I won't.  I have noticed the ever-growing trend (at least in my life) is not related to my kids, but to my peers! Holy Hormones Batman, but I have decided that women are the biggest bullies I know.  In the last couple of years I have been picked on for thing such as my weight, my hair, my marriage, you name it.  I was more shocked when I was bashed for who I hung out with, my parenting CHOICES, my closeness with my family back home, etc.  It is ridiculous. I will put this out there right now.  I have judged people, it is human nature and like a friend mentioned in her own blog (thanks Vanessa) judging isn't the problem, it is condemning. I will not condmen someone for their lifestyle choices, parenting beliefs, and what have you unless it is something like beating their children, drug use,  the common no nos. It isn't my place to say that one thing is right or wrong.

I think the thing that I am the most sick of is the group bullying dynamic. Oh so and so doens't think that Alyssa should spend SOOOOOOO much time with her husband.  It is shortly following a statement like this that you start to hear the echoes.  You hear many voices jumping in. "Oh I know, I swear they are co-dependant." "Does she ever even do anything without him?" "He must feel so tied down..." Did you catch that? They start out faint at first, a few grumbles of agreement, but then they turn into huge vibrant declarations of "fact".  Everyone seems to know your marriage better than you do. It would be one thing if these "insights" were asked for in some way, but the reality is many times it is just rumors being swept around until they finally land in your lap, presented as the "truth".  Here is thing.  They are not facts.  They aren't even remotely true.  And the bigger truth is, THEY HURT! Now I know in today's society it isn't about who gets hurt.  We have all become so ME ME ME oriented that no one cares how words hurt other people's feelings. I hate that.  I hate that we have stopped caring about hurting people's feelings. I don't mean stupid things like a lot of the "pc" stuff is, but genuinely not caring that calling someone fat, ugly, stupid...really hurts.  

I am the most hurt by the lack of words. In a situation like the example above, I expected that kind of behavior from the people doing the talking, it was the one's I considered real friends that didn't defend me that surprised the hell out of me.  And, that hurts worse.  I don't have many close friends, but the real ones, I defend like they were my family.  Right or wrong, I have their back.  Kind of like my husband.  He can be all kinds of wrong, but that is between me and him. You come after him, I will take his side.  That's how it is suppose to be.  These friends, the silent ones, pretty much slap you in the face with their inability to declare their loyalty for fear of getting brought into the shit storm themselves.

Now I have to admit, that recently I am that person. I am that friend who despite my longing to stand up and slay the bullies with my tongue, sits in the corner not saying anything. I hate it. Realizing my lapse in defense, I have been more vocal in and I will tell you what, the bullies don't like it too much. A recent conversatoin went something like this..."I don't like so and so.  I think it's because she acts better than everyone." Normally this is where I would change the subject, but this time I replied quickly with, "Really? You must not have taken the time to get to know her very well. I think sometimes her quietness is mistaken for arrogance.  You ought to give her a chance before you write her off." I had done it, I had defended my friend and was victorious! I was victorious right? Wrong.  The response I got was this, "No, she's just stupid." FAIL. EPIC FAIL. 

And this is where I must educate you on what exactly bullies look like.  They are most often women who live in a pack mentality.  They almost always have a leader, who wreaks of self esteem issues, and a bunch of cronies in tow.  Here's the thing, they are almost always disguised as your friends.  It is very difficult to tell if they are friend or foe. They look the same, smell the same, hell they even act the same.  The only way to really tell is to find out what happens when you aren't around.  I can almost guarantee that if they are so willing to pick on, call out, or make fun of someone else when they aren't around to defend themselves, they will do it when you aren't around too. 

We've established the problem, but what, my friends, is the solution?  Is it to call out all of these people and make them eat their words? Is it telling others what is being said about them? Is it standing up and defending the victims.  I don't think it is any of these.  Women like this, will more than likely, always be like this.  The solution is to fix yourself.  My mom used to tell me you can't change people, only your reaction to them. It makes perfect sense.  If I can get to a point where I am not continuing the cycle and instead don't give them the gratification of getting to me.  Maybe just maybe they will leave it be.  Quoting another friend, "Stop giving a shit about what others think, do, say...it feels wonderful." While it is not in my nature to do that, maybe it should be.  So instead of letting the people that don't matter get in my head, I am going to focus on me, my kids, and my codependant husband lol.  I'll let ya know how that works out.