So, most people would not like to think or talk about problems in their marriage. I am one of those people. After a long periodof contemplation, I have decided to blog about it, but in a not so throw-your-business-out-there kind of way. At least for now. Let me also say, that this is in no way an attempt to bash anyone elses marriage, choice to move on, my husband, family, etc. It is just a place for me to throw some thoughts out.
I have been cheated on. Not just once, but multiple times by multiple people. Even in my marriage, there have been a few bumps in the fidelity road. I look back at all the people and times I have been cheated on, and it leaves me feeling...self loathing. I play the what if game like a champ. What if I had been thinner? What if I had been more laid back? What if I had been good enough? What if I had been prettier? See what I mean? I am good at it.
My husband and I have been in both couple's and individual therapy for a couple months now and I can honestly say that it is helping. I am learning that it is not my shortcomings, but his that lead him to stray. I love my husband, but that does not make staying easier. It almost makes it harder. If I didn't love him, I could walk away without looking back. But, he was and is remorseful. It is a daily fight to not punch him in the face lol. Not to sound cliche, but we are better now than we have ever been. It isn't because counseling has resolved all of our problems, but it has given us the tools to work on us.
It is a rough ride. There are days I still struggle, but I am learning in personal therapy that I have more control than I thought. I am learning how to spend time on me and my marriage and not just focus on my husband and my kids. I am a firm believer in order to create a happy family (i.e. the kids) I need to be working on a happy marriage. So, that is what we are doing. Together.
A good friend, more like a sister, introduced me to a new church. I made my first visit last week and it was like God himself had written the sermon for my husband and I. I sat there in tears knowing that God had found me in the right time and the right place. So, I submitted. I submitted to do the things that didn't feel safe or easy. I chose long ago to forgive my husband, but now I am working on loving and forgiving myself. How do you start loving yourself? What is there to love about me? This isn't some fishing trip or compliments. It is a question I have been challenged to think about this week. Let me tell ya, I couldn't come up with an answer.
A few months ago at a Foster Parent class. We listened to a woman speak about words of affirmaion. I had heard about this in reference to romantic relationships and even familial relationships, but I had never thought about it in regards to oneself. She said it is important to undo the nuero pathways that have been developed by years of self loathing and from words spoken by others. I am starting a project with my family to write down a new affirmation each week. Every night before bed we are going to take a few minutes to ourselves and read this list several times in the mirror. The affirmations can be something as simple as "I am a good cook." It may not sound like much, but eventually you may end up saying things like "I am worth loving." Pretty neat idea huh?
While for months and months I have only found anger and pain in the events that happened. I for once may see some good, the sliver lining if you will. This journey in healing has forced me to really take a good look at myself and begin loving myself again. If nothing else, I will come out of this whole situation with a healthier heart and soul. Something, I didn't have when my adult life started.
So I challenge you, what do you love about yourself? What makes you get out of bed in the morning? What makes you feel safe? What doesn't? Evaluate the things that make you happy and the things that don't. Life, I am learning, is way too short to spend it in fear and sadness. I hope that oneday, I can learn to practice what I preach lol.
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