I have a confession to make. I am a "dooms day prepper." Okay, so not like the one's you see on TV, but Nick and I in the last few years have decided to start learning skills, prepping food supplies, etc. I don't have a crazy stockpile of rice and beans in my storm cellar, but I do try to keep at least 2 months of food in the house. Now that may seem either too much or too little (depends on who ya ask) but my theory is this. Even if the apocolypse (cough cough ZOMBIES) never happens, there are a lot of minor "catastrophes" to be had. The one I fear the most deals with the economy. Who is to say that we have job security and whatnot, so by having a little food put away, I am guaranteed that my family won't starve, at least not for two months.
I am teaching myself how to can. We are gearing up for canning season with all of the farmer's markets opening up here in town. Nick is learning how to preserve meats and fish. We are making plans to become as self sufficient as possible. We also make our own laundry soaps and cleaners. Homesteading would be our ultimate goal. I like the idea of raising my own crops and herds. I like even more the idea of going back to simpler living. I want to raise my kids on a farm. I want them to know the hard work and big pay off that that would provide. I remember feeding the animals before we got on the school bus. It was a pain, but as an adult, those mornings remind me of fun times with my siblings.
Another huge benefit of my prepping and dreams of homesteading is the frugality of it. We have become a society of over spenders, one uppers, and never satisfieders. Yes, I know that is not a word lol. I was reading a book about thrift the other day. They wrote something that has stuck with me. During the great depression, people were thrifty out of sheer necessity. You didn't see people throwing out leftovers, old clothes, etc. If you didn't have the money, you literally went without. It made me think. This week, we had a bbq on father's day and my husband smoked $16 worth of pork butt. Add in the $8 for the wood, it was $24 and it fed several adults and kids on sunday and was repurposed for one meal per day for 5 days following. That is a hell of a stretch. I only threw out the bone and sinnews. It felt good to not waste much. That is the kind of living I want to get back to.
So back to the prepping. I feel like homesteading and prepping almost go hand in hand. If I can grow a garden and can enough to get through the winter or eat in season in addition to canning, doesn't that leave me prepped for anything that could come up? I guess since I don't have the fallout shelter (yet?) and gas masks and such you could call me a wanna be prepper, but my desire to do so is there lol.
Friday, June 22, 2012
Happy 25th
So, today is the big day. I am 25. Unlike most birthdays, today I woke up feeling different. I am not sure yet what different means, but just different. At 21 (the last big birthday) I had all kinds of ideas about where I was going to be at 25. I was going to be married, have a couple of kids, maybe still be working at the Casino... I was right about so little and wrong about so much.
I did get married, but not to the person I had thought at 21. I did have a couple of kids, one of my own and several foster children. I never knew that having children of my own was going to be an uphill fight. I left the casino and never looked back lol and am now a stay at home mom, fosterparent, and student. Who knew?
I think the funny thing about birthdays is that many of us use to to look back on the shoulda, coulda, woulda. Is there some profound beckoning from the universe to put yourself down that happens to only fall on your day of birth? Is it suppose to create some "Hey as if aging isn't bad enough, let's recap all the things you've failed to accomplish," guilt? It must because every year on my birthday I stop and think man, I should have been done with this by now. I get to questioning if I hadn't done this I could've doen that. You follow me?
It is today on my birthday that I think that I am fed up with it. Instead of what haven't I done or accomplished I made a list of things that I did do. Here it goes.
1)I got married. I didn't just get married, I married my best friend. Yes, there are days I want to kill him and he wants to kill me, but at the end of the night we love each other. Our idea of marriage is old fashioned and we firmly believe that we can work through anything and that Divorce is never an option. It makes murder seem plausible (just kidding honey), but really it is one of the healthiest relationships I've ever had with anyone, inclduing family. That's how it should be.
2) I became a mom. Now this one is a doosey! I was told that I would never have children of my own. And for two years, that was the case. Nick and I had kind of come to terms with it and decided to keep trying while concurrently applying to become licensed foster parents in hopes of adoption. We went through the fertility treatments and the fostercare interviews and homestudy. On Oct. 15 we became fosterparents and on oct. 16th we had our first fosterkids. I was a mom. I know that that sounds so cheesy, but it was just like if we had brought home a baby of our own. Here were these little boys who didn't know us from adam and stil fully trusted us to take care of them. I remember looking at Nick and thinking, here we go. It was hard, it was scary, but in the end...it was ok. It was very similar to when we brought home our son. We had never had one that little and had no idea what we were suppose to do. At some point, instinct just takes over and you find yourself doing things you wouldn't have guessed that you knew how to do. On both days my world shifted a little.
3) I moved away from home. This one is incredibly odd to me because it was never on my list of things to do. I never had any desire to move away from small town life. I loved where I was at. I didn't always like the people, but I loved being with my family and living in a little town. I was afraid of the big city. Well, Nick enlisted after we got married and changed all that. A week shy of Christmas, we packed everything we owned and drove to Ft. Carson Colorado. It was one of the most adventerous and scary things I have ever done. I can honestly say now, that it is one of the best thigns I have ever done. It has motivated me to learn not just how to live on my own, but also how to appreciate smalltown life without dealing with the smalltown drama. I've learned who my real friends are and how to make new ones. It had pushed me to grow as a person and to depend more on my husband.
4)I went back to school. I never finished college. I have sat here for several years now regretting that. Feeling guilty as I watched many of my friends from high school move on with a degree and a promising career. I would kick myself for ever dropping out. I am currently schedualed to finish my technical training in March. I didn't go back to a university, but I did choose a vocation and started training. That may not seem like a lot to some, but for me it was huge. I am learnign a lot and it gives me hope to eventually go back and finish my degree someday.
Now I know that this seems like an awful short list, I assure you had I written the other list it would have been much longer, but these are the four I am the most proud of. These are the four that in the last 4 years have completely marked me as the person that I am and put me one step closer to being the person I want to be.
I did get married, but not to the person I had thought at 21. I did have a couple of kids, one of my own and several foster children. I never knew that having children of my own was going to be an uphill fight. I left the casino and never looked back lol and am now a stay at home mom, fosterparent, and student. Who knew?
I think the funny thing about birthdays is that many of us use to to look back on the shoulda, coulda, woulda. Is there some profound beckoning from the universe to put yourself down that happens to only fall on your day of birth? Is it suppose to create some "Hey as if aging isn't bad enough, let's recap all the things you've failed to accomplish," guilt? It must because every year on my birthday I stop and think man, I should have been done with this by now. I get to questioning if I hadn't done this I could've doen that. You follow me?
It is today on my birthday that I think that I am fed up with it. Instead of what haven't I done or accomplished I made a list of things that I did do. Here it goes.
1)I got married. I didn't just get married, I married my best friend. Yes, there are days I want to kill him and he wants to kill me, but at the end of the night we love each other. Our idea of marriage is old fashioned and we firmly believe that we can work through anything and that Divorce is never an option. It makes murder seem plausible (just kidding honey), but really it is one of the healthiest relationships I've ever had with anyone, inclduing family. That's how it should be.
2) I became a mom. Now this one is a doosey! I was told that I would never have children of my own. And for two years, that was the case. Nick and I had kind of come to terms with it and decided to keep trying while concurrently applying to become licensed foster parents in hopes of adoption. We went through the fertility treatments and the fostercare interviews and homestudy. On Oct. 15 we became fosterparents and on oct. 16th we had our first fosterkids. I was a mom. I know that that sounds so cheesy, but it was just like if we had brought home a baby of our own. Here were these little boys who didn't know us from adam and stil fully trusted us to take care of them. I remember looking at Nick and thinking, here we go. It was hard, it was scary, but in the end...it was ok. It was very similar to when we brought home our son. We had never had one that little and had no idea what we were suppose to do. At some point, instinct just takes over and you find yourself doing things you wouldn't have guessed that you knew how to do. On both days my world shifted a little.
3) I moved away from home. This one is incredibly odd to me because it was never on my list of things to do. I never had any desire to move away from small town life. I loved where I was at. I didn't always like the people, but I loved being with my family and living in a little town. I was afraid of the big city. Well, Nick enlisted after we got married and changed all that. A week shy of Christmas, we packed everything we owned and drove to Ft. Carson Colorado. It was one of the most adventerous and scary things I have ever done. I can honestly say now, that it is one of the best thigns I have ever done. It has motivated me to learn not just how to live on my own, but also how to appreciate smalltown life without dealing with the smalltown drama. I've learned who my real friends are and how to make new ones. It had pushed me to grow as a person and to depend more on my husband.
4)I went back to school. I never finished college. I have sat here for several years now regretting that. Feeling guilty as I watched many of my friends from high school move on with a degree and a promising career. I would kick myself for ever dropping out. I am currently schedualed to finish my technical training in March. I didn't go back to a university, but I did choose a vocation and started training. That may not seem like a lot to some, but for me it was huge. I am learnign a lot and it gives me hope to eventually go back and finish my degree someday.
Now I know that this seems like an awful short list, I assure you had I written the other list it would have been much longer, but these are the four I am the most proud of. These are the four that in the last 4 years have completely marked me as the person that I am and put me one step closer to being the person I want to be.
Easier said than done
So, most people would not like to think or talk about problems in their marriage. I am one of those people. After a long periodof contemplation, I have decided to blog about it, but in a not so throw-your-business-out-there kind of way. At least for now. Let me also say, that this is in no way an attempt to bash anyone elses marriage, choice to move on, my husband, family, etc. It is just a place for me to throw some thoughts out.
I have been cheated on. Not just once, but multiple times by multiple people. Even in my marriage, there have been a few bumps in the fidelity road. I look back at all the people and times I have been cheated on, and it leaves me feeling...self loathing. I play the what if game like a champ. What if I had been thinner? What if I had been more laid back? What if I had been good enough? What if I had been prettier? See what I mean? I am good at it.
My husband and I have been in both couple's and individual therapy for a couple months now and I can honestly say that it is helping. I am learning that it is not my shortcomings, but his that lead him to stray. I love my husband, but that does not make staying easier. It almost makes it harder. If I didn't love him, I could walk away without looking back. But, he was and is remorseful. It is a daily fight to not punch him in the face lol. Not to sound cliche, but we are better now than we have ever been. It isn't because counseling has resolved all of our problems, but it has given us the tools to work on us.
It is a rough ride. There are days I still struggle, but I am learning in personal therapy that I have more control than I thought. I am learning how to spend time on me and my marriage and not just focus on my husband and my kids. I am a firm believer in order to create a happy family (i.e. the kids) I need to be working on a happy marriage. So, that is what we are doing. Together.
A good friend, more like a sister, introduced me to a new church. I made my first visit last week and it was like God himself had written the sermon for my husband and I. I sat there in tears knowing that God had found me in the right time and the right place. So, I submitted. I submitted to do the things that didn't feel safe or easy. I chose long ago to forgive my husband, but now I am working on loving and forgiving myself. How do you start loving yourself? What is there to love about me? This isn't some fishing trip or compliments. It is a question I have been challenged to think about this week. Let me tell ya, I couldn't come up with an answer.
A few months ago at a Foster Parent class. We listened to a woman speak about words of affirmaion. I had heard about this in reference to romantic relationships and even familial relationships, but I had never thought about it in regards to oneself. She said it is important to undo the nuero pathways that have been developed by years of self loathing and from words spoken by others. I am starting a project with my family to write down a new affirmation each week. Every night before bed we are going to take a few minutes to ourselves and read this list several times in the mirror. The affirmations can be something as simple as "I am a good cook." It may not sound like much, but eventually you may end up saying things like "I am worth loving." Pretty neat idea huh?
While for months and months I have only found anger and pain in the events that happened. I for once may see some good, the sliver lining if you will. This journey in healing has forced me to really take a good look at myself and begin loving myself again. If nothing else, I will come out of this whole situation with a healthier heart and soul. Something, I didn't have when my adult life started.
So I challenge you, what do you love about yourself? What makes you get out of bed in the morning? What makes you feel safe? What doesn't? Evaluate the things that make you happy and the things that don't. Life, I am learning, is way too short to spend it in fear and sadness. I hope that oneday, I can learn to practice what I preach lol.
I have been cheated on. Not just once, but multiple times by multiple people. Even in my marriage, there have been a few bumps in the fidelity road. I look back at all the people and times I have been cheated on, and it leaves me feeling...self loathing. I play the what if game like a champ. What if I had been thinner? What if I had been more laid back? What if I had been good enough? What if I had been prettier? See what I mean? I am good at it.
My husband and I have been in both couple's and individual therapy for a couple months now and I can honestly say that it is helping. I am learning that it is not my shortcomings, but his that lead him to stray. I love my husband, but that does not make staying easier. It almost makes it harder. If I didn't love him, I could walk away without looking back. But, he was and is remorseful. It is a daily fight to not punch him in the face lol. Not to sound cliche, but we are better now than we have ever been. It isn't because counseling has resolved all of our problems, but it has given us the tools to work on us.
It is a rough ride. There are days I still struggle, but I am learning in personal therapy that I have more control than I thought. I am learning how to spend time on me and my marriage and not just focus on my husband and my kids. I am a firm believer in order to create a happy family (i.e. the kids) I need to be working on a happy marriage. So, that is what we are doing. Together.
A good friend, more like a sister, introduced me to a new church. I made my first visit last week and it was like God himself had written the sermon for my husband and I. I sat there in tears knowing that God had found me in the right time and the right place. So, I submitted. I submitted to do the things that didn't feel safe or easy. I chose long ago to forgive my husband, but now I am working on loving and forgiving myself. How do you start loving yourself? What is there to love about me? This isn't some fishing trip or compliments. It is a question I have been challenged to think about this week. Let me tell ya, I couldn't come up with an answer.
A few months ago at a Foster Parent class. We listened to a woman speak about words of affirmaion. I had heard about this in reference to romantic relationships and even familial relationships, but I had never thought about it in regards to oneself. She said it is important to undo the nuero pathways that have been developed by years of self loathing and from words spoken by others. I am starting a project with my family to write down a new affirmation each week. Every night before bed we are going to take a few minutes to ourselves and read this list several times in the mirror. The affirmations can be something as simple as "I am a good cook." It may not sound like much, but eventually you may end up saying things like "I am worth loving." Pretty neat idea huh?
While for months and months I have only found anger and pain in the events that happened. I for once may see some good, the sliver lining if you will. This journey in healing has forced me to really take a good look at myself and begin loving myself again. If nothing else, I will come out of this whole situation with a healthier heart and soul. Something, I didn't have when my adult life started.
So I challenge you, what do you love about yourself? What makes you get out of bed in the morning? What makes you feel safe? What doesn't? Evaluate the things that make you happy and the things that don't. Life, I am learning, is way too short to spend it in fear and sadness. I hope that oneday, I can learn to practice what I preach lol.
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