I haven't written in a long time. I have tried, but obviously my attempts have been less than successful. I dunno, I guess I just felt like everything I was writing was subpar. Like there is some kind of unwritten criteria to be met on one's personal blog. I felt like I needed to be funny, smart, witty, etc. to keep this blog going. Today as I sat watching B rated shark movies (I'll get to that later), I decided that this is more for me than for anyone else. Considering that most of my days are spent having a conversation with either a 6, 3 or <1 year old...let's just say sometimes I need to get this thoughts out of my head. Don't get me wrong, my husband is home most nights to talk to, but by the end of the day I am practically attacking him with adult conversation the minute he walks in the door. Perhaps, this blog is a way for me to expell some of my word vomit before he comes home, sparing him the rivoting conversations about our 3 year old pooping on the potty.
So, back to the B rated shark movies...
I am an open fan of B rated shark movies. Jaws was like the creme de la creme of shark cinema, but there is nothing better than a cheesy, poorly acted, overly dramatic tale of love and shark attacks. I was estatic when I discovered such a wide variety of deliciously lame titles on Netflix. I started having issues with my anxiety a few hrs ago and thought Shark Attack 2 would put me in a better mood. Normally I would be enthralled by the inadequately made film, but today I could not shake that feeling of BLAH! You know, that feeling where basically you feel like laying on the couch for a month would be the most productive thing you're capable of. The feeling of everyone you know having productive, amazing, fun lives to live while you are sucked into the black hole of self pity. Yeah...that one. It was during this time that I decided I needed to vent. So here we are.
Recently I have become somewhat of an outsider to my own life. I show up, I participate, but I'm not always mentally active in the events. I have this nasty habit of taking things way too personally and I think it has gotten the best of me lately. I have friends out here, I do. I just used to have a lot more. I am a quality vs. quantity type of girl so it shouldn't really bother me, but it does. I feel like the kid that gets picked last for the team. I am more of a friend of convenience than desire. I am the friend that will watch the kids last minute when someone needs a sitter, despite how inconvenient it makes my life, I am the friend that will bite her tongue when she is told something that hurts her feelings. Yes, I am that friend. I'd like to think that my husband has rubbed off on me a bit, meaning that I could take all of it with a grain of salt, but instead, I take it personally.
This is when I thank the stars above that I am a homebody. If I was the going out type, I think I would spend my days crying over a box of tissues and a stack of candy bars. I love being at home with my family and hanging out. I get more joy from trying out a new recipe than I do an evening of getting wasted. I am not one to complain about my life, I am lucky to live it and have ridden the life-is-too-short-bus one too many times. I just wish that I could take a step back and reevaluate my relationships and weed out the unhealthy ones without feeling guilty.
My goal is to continue writing on here as much as I can, maybe a little self reflection is just what I need to start the weeding out process. And while this has been random, it is hopefully the beginning to getting back to me and somehow fusing together the old and new me. I will go back to my Shark marathon, this time maybe I can draw metaphorical lines between the finicky storyline and my current situation lol.
